So I fell today. I was heading to the bathroom to get ready for work and my legs just quit working. They just quit. I am hard-headed, stubborn and hate telling myself, “No.” Here’s my cycle: I find a perfect job that accomodates the limits I am in denial about, I push myself beyond my boundaries, my body steps in and whispers, “Erica, slow down,” to which I answer, “I’m good.”
I’m not in any way shape or form, ‘good’. I may be okay, but not good. I kinda knew it would be one of those days when my alarm went off and I could barely move to turn it off. I really knew it would be one of those days when I was still in bed when my love returned from his shower. I really, really knew when after my love left for work, I used all my 2 ounces of energy to kick off the covers and stumble to the bathroom–to get ready for work. Really? I mean, I know the signs, elbow braces, wrist and hand braces, knee braces, extra doses of meds, but my stubborness gets the best of me. I made it to the door of our bedroom, took one more step and crumpled soundlessly to the floor. My legs just quit. My body feels like it’s carrying a ton of gold bricks from Fort Knox. I just lay there contemplating my next “move” (I use that term loosely). Should I go back to bed or go ahead and shower for work?
You already know what I chose. I finished my “walk” to the bathroom, went potty and perhaps the weight of the liquid in my bladder was part of the reason I couldn’t make logical decisions, but once I lost those ounces, I thought clearly and went back to bed. Very carefully. I informed my bosses of what happened and that I would not be in today. But then my stupidity kicked back in and added that maybe if I rest, I could come in later. “ERICA, WHAT?!” Is what my body screamed. “Yep!” I replied, “If I sleep a couple more hours, I should be okay.” Umm, no, that is not realistic, but try telling that to the stupid side of my brain.
Here’s the thing, People don’t understand this beast, especially if you are a ‘put on a happy face’ kind of person like I am. I can be in incomprehensible pain, but smile and laugh with you. Some people can see it in my eyes, but others take the smile and laughter and assume I am ok and that MS is not that bad. Take note. MS is that bad. MS doesn’t give you a heads up before it takes from you. It doesn’t let you plan for a bad day. It even gives you false hope when you have a good day. Such a spiteful beast, but I refuse to give in. Although, after today, I may submit– just a little.