So, I had “a moment” yesterday. I have them sometimes. They’re random and eye-opening and usually end in a tearful apology to Jesus.
I was with my guy and we were talking about life and fishing (one and the same, right?!) and somehow I started talking about how my life was s*** (not what I want it to be), and how I have always been a good person and treated people with respect only to get s*** on (not treated the way I would like to be) and how I am so sick and tired of this s*** (this is, by the way, my favorite word). My guy is so precious to me, because he wants to be able to fix my life, and all the things wrong in it. He tries to stay positive and point out that I am working toward great things. This day, he just says, “I’m sorry.” Sometimes, that’s all you can say.
My moments used to be few and far between. I could find the positive in anything! Raining? The flowers need a drink. Snowing? Someone’s dying wish is to drive donuts in a parking lot one last time. Thunderstorm? Jesus likes to go bowling, too. You get the picture. I was the poster girl for everythingisgreat.com!
I hate to play my MS card (I feel like I haven’t had it long enough), but lying in bed or sitting in a chair all day gives you time to think about everything that is wrong in your life! This big dumb disease has taken over everything! Everything I knew to be right and true. It has stolen my rainbows, it has opened a new door of fear. It has made me question myself and my–Hey, wait a minute! Is that… a ray of sun poking through?
As I’m complaining about everything wrong, one of the arcs in my rainbow is trying to kick through the darkness! Without this mad hatter that has taken over my life, I would not have time to write my therapeutic blog! I would not be able to take my full- time college courses! I would not be able to put into motion my plan to make this life a good one!
I was headed home last night and realized I was being a spoiled brat. I have a roof over my head, clothes in my closet, food to eat, and people who love me. I may not be able to plan very far ahead right now, but when I really look at my life, God has provided for me every step of the way. Sitting at a stoplight, I finally gave Him props. “Lord my life is not s*** (yes that’s what I said, He knows me like that) and I’m sorry I said that it is. You have been so good to me and I will do my best to acknowledge you in all things. I know You love me and want what’s best for me even if I don’t agree with Your decisions for my life. Thank You for this disease, thank You for my not knowing what the future holds, but resting in the fact that You do. I love You and I trust You with all my heart. In Jesus’ name, Amen”
Immediately, the heaviness lifted and my moment ended… with a tearful apology to Jesus. He responded with the phrase He always uses with me, “I’ve got this.” I believe Him.