That One Day When I Realized I Am Not In Control…And It Is Okay

I am in control of nothing. Nothing at all, and I am fine with it. I think. The moment I think to myself “I’ve got this”, I quickly find that I really don’t. I have a plan for my life and it keeps getting all discombobulated. Why? Because I lack respect for the One who is truly in control.
Respect. I’ve used this word often lately. During this most recent MS battle, I learned from a very good friend that I have not come to terms with the fact that I have MS. I have been living a reactive life instead of a proactive life, and it has weighed heavily on my physical well-being. I realized in the last few days, that while I do not have to surrender my life to this disease, I do have to respect its power. I must see Esmeralda as a teammate of sorts. Sometimes I must seek permission from her before I dive headlong into some crazy activity that I should probably be avoiding at all costs.
Another place in my life that I am lacking respect is what I mentioned above. When I get an idea, plan or whatever, I am off and running. Seriously, I close my eyes and charge ahead like I have an army of Titans behind me. This has gotten me into incredibly difficult predicaments. I am learning not to close my eyes, though. Now, I charge ahead with squinty eyes. Maybe one day soon I will open them fully, which I am finding requires seeing through the eyes of God. My eyes cannot see the whole picture. My eyes cannot see the outcome of my decisions. His eyes though. His eyes see ALL. I am learning to depend on Him. I am learning to respect who He is and who I am not. It is a good thing…and it is okay.


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