I always say you don’t know until you know. When I had my first child, the first thing I heard was, “Cherish them, because they grow up so fast.” As my first baby grew, and we added more babies to our family, I found out how true that statement was. I blinked and now have grown children (one not so grown), and grandchildren. It was no longer theory, I knew.
Throughout my life, I have had friends whose parents had passed away. They would say, “The grief hits you in waves”, or “The most random things will make you miss them even more.” Both of my parents just passed away this summer. The grief is unbelievable. I lost my daddy first, unexpectedly, as we were preparing for my very ill mother to leave us. He just couldn’t bear the weight of losing his forever love. His body literally shut down and another theory became experience. He died of a broken heart. Two months later, nearly to the day, she joined him in eternity. Grief was no longer theory, I knew.
To say the grief hits you in waves is the understatement of the year. But you don’t know until you know. And yes, the most random things hit you like a massive storm, wiping out all your power and everything that keeps you standing. Torrential tears that fall without warning, leaving you wondering, “What the hell?” No one can prepare you for the onslaught.
I talk to them. Regularly. I consult them on nearly everything. I am remodeling their home with the help of my sister. When I buy paint, I consult them. Before I paint a room, I consult them. I ask them because sometimes, I am just not ready to accept the fact that they are no longer here. It is my way of processing, piece by piece. Moment by moment.
Not long after my daddy passed, he visited with me in a dream. It was the best Father’s day ever. He hugged me like he couldn’t in the hospital and we hung out, talked, and even went to a park. The closure I needed to a most unhappy ending.
I don’t like knowing. Another saying I found to be true? Ignorance is bliss. Knowing is a necessary part of life, but in this case, extremely unpleasant. I like to stay positive as often as possible, so in knowing death, I have learned to appreciate life. I have learned to appreciate the little things even more. I have learned the importance of preparing for the end of life, so that when my children have to eventually learn what I now know, they will be okay. You just don’t know…until you know.
That One Day When... 