I’m not a people person. I know, you’re thinking to yourselves, “There’s no way!” I’m telling you, “Way.” I can ‘be’ around people, but my preference is to be alone. When I was a little girl, my happy place was my aloneness. Pictures of me playing contentedly usually feature me with stuffed animals, baby dolls and tea sets. I grew up with a brother and, of course, we played together, but my happy place was my imagination. Still is, actually.
I learned very early how to be invisible. A lot of that had to do with the relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother. I learned to disappear because it seemed she didn’t want me around anyway. This way to happy place. I lived there. And I liked it there. I always wanted me around. In school, I struggled with self esteem, and kids, being the cruel masters of meanness, fed on that and made my life miserable. Here I come, happy place. Somewhere around middle school, I found out I was funny. I made my daddy laugh and that changed the tide for me. I used humor as a deflection.
In the pain of my elementary years, I also learned empathy. I learned to share others’ pain, even if I hadn’t experienced what they had. As I write, I see my purpose. I see how every rejection was a step into my purpose. Not toward. Into. We are always walking in or into our purpose. It is ongoing, ever-changing.
I have recently begun the practice of meditation. I really, REALLY like that place. Unimaginable peace and clarity. Also, extreme openness to emotion! Growing up, I was very emotional. EVERYTHING made me cry. Joy, happiness, sadness, pain, it all made me cry. I hated that. Vulnerability was not my happy place. I begged the Universe to take it away. It listened. And as a young adult, my weepiness was gone. I couldn’t cry to save my life. Be careful what you wish for. You just may get it and find out, too late, that the very thing you despise, is the thing that is your purpose. I was created an emotional being. It is not a bad thing. It is a blessed thing. Once I realized the gift, and the Universe so graciously returned it, I never want to give it up again.
So, back to meditation. Though the gift was returned, it was no longer in abundance as it had once been. Meditation, though! Meditation opens you in superhuman ways. Think Spidey senses. In the last few days, I have been made aware of so many thoughts, emotions, so much everything, that I am almost overwhelmed. When I would go to invisible-land as a child, it became a habit, a way of life for me. My whole life I have diminished myself to make others around me comfortable. While I still want people to be at ease with me, I also want some edges. I want to matter. Not just for what I am to others, but for who I am. Period. I’m excited for this new chapter. To walk even deeper into my purpose. No lightning bolts. Just be me. An empty vessel used by the Creator to share unconditional love. No, I am not a people person. I am, though, a person for people. By design.
That One Day When... 