The Rantings of an Introverted Extrovert Who is an Empath, but Not a People Person

I’m not a people person. I know, you’re thinking to yourselves, “There’s no way!” I’m telling you, “Way.” I can ‘be’ around people, but my preference is to be alone. When I was a little girl, my happy place was my aloneness. Pictures of me playing contentedly usually feature me with stuffed animals, baby dolls and tea sets. I grew up with a brother and, of course, we played together, but my happy place was my imagination. Still is, actually. 

I learned very early how to be invisible. A lot of that had to do with the relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother. I learned to disappear because it seemed she didn’t want me around anyway. This way to happy place. I lived there. And I liked it there. I always wanted me around. In school, I struggled with self esteem, and kids, being the cruel masters of meanness, fed on that and made my life miserable. Here I come, happy place. Somewhere around middle school, I found out I was funny. I made my daddy laugh and that changed the tide for me. I used humor as a deflection.

In the pain of my elementary years, I also learned empathy. I learned to share others’ pain, even if I hadn’t experienced what they had. As I write, I see my purpose. I see how every rejection was a step into my purpose. Not toward. Into. We are always walking in or into our purpose. It is ongoing, ever-changing. 

I have recently begun the practice of meditation. I really, REALLY like that place. Unimaginable peace and clarity. Also, extreme openness to emotion! Growing up, I was very emotional. EVERYTHING made me cry. Joy, happiness, sadness, pain, it all made me cry. I hated that. Vulnerability was not my happy place. I begged the Universe to take it away. It listened. And as a young adult, my weepiness was gone. I couldn’t cry to save my life. Be careful what you wish for. You just may get it and find out, too late, that the very thing you despise, is the thing that is your purpose. I was created an emotional being. It is not a bad thing. It is a blessed thing. Once I realized the gift, and the Universe so graciously returned it, I never want to give it up again.
So, back to meditation. Though the gift was returned, it was no longer in abundance as it had once been. Meditation, though! Meditation opens you in superhuman ways. Think Spidey senses. In the last few days, I have been made aware of so many thoughts, emotions, so much everything, that I am almost overwhelmed. When I would go to invisible-land as a child, it became a habit, a way of life for me. My whole life I have diminished myself to make others around me comfortable. While I still want people to be at ease with me, I also want some edges. I want to matter. Not just for what I am to others, but for who I am. Period. I’m excited for this new chapter. To walk even deeper into my purpose. No lightning bolts. Just be me. An empty vessel used by the Creator to share unconditional love. No, I am not a people person. I am, though, a person for people. By design.

That One Day When I Pondered Destiny

Destiny. One event leads to another and eventually what is meant for you finally takes place. Or is everything meant for you? Those decisions that seemed so terrible 20 years ago, all make sense now, because they helped form you into everything that makes you who you are. Those people in your life that meant you harm, were strategically placed to walk you into your destiny. The situations in your life that seemed hopeless at the time were all impeccably orchestrated to lead you to this place in your life. This place where you are situated to be part of someone else’s destiny.
It’s the circle of life. And it moves us all.
Yes. Thank you Elton John and Disney. The meaning of our lives can be summed up in this song from The Lion King. We were brought together, not by accident, but by a perfect master plan by the Divine. The Universe. An unseen Being, yet seen in every form of creation: the endless, yet limited oceans, the spinning earth, the splendid dance of the seasons, the supreme force of gravity that keeps us perfectly grounded.
When we look back on our lives, noting the pain, the loss, the celebrations and the gains, they all work together to bring us to the greatest points in our lives. The path is winding, curvy, high and low. But there is beauty. There is our destiny.

That One Day When Lack of Inspiration Inspired Me to Write

So I have decided to just write. My Aunt Mari has been telling me this forever: ‘Don’t wait to be inspired, just write.’ Today, I am doing just that. I always ask people to sign up to receive my blog through email, but then as I wait patiently for universe-inspired tidbits of wisdom, 6 months go by and I haven’t written anything. On paper, at least. I am constantly ‘writing’ in my head, but I rarely make the time to publish it.
Today, that changes. Today, I take the first steps into truly calling myself a writer. No more, ‘As soon as I find the time’, or ‘ I just don’t know what to write.’ My excuses have expired and I shall, from this day forward, vow to write an article every week.
At least once or twice a month.
No, every week.
Yes. Every week.
‘Sittin here in the chair. I get up and I walk over there.’ Those lines made Otis Redding famous. Who am I to hold back on what could possibly make me millions of dollars? Or, you know, just a household name among my friends and family.
Rockin’ in my rocking chair. I’m on my deck and I can feel the air. See? I’m on my way to stardom!
Well, that is all of my uninspired inspiration. Thank you for reading! See you next week!

That One Day When I Found Love Without Walls

 

This was years in the making. A sublime plan at work to eventually bring together two souls at the perfect time. We each had to experience love, loss, pain and joy while apart so we could appreciate everything we will experience together.

I had always felt like I had to earn love. I would give freely, but felt like I had to meet expectations in order to receive love in return. Because of this, I always wondered what was the big deal about love. People would talk about how much they loved each other. I would see marriages last while mine failed. I wondered, what is wrong with me?

After spending time alone and getting to know myself, I realized my worth, but still didn’t believe the kind of love people talked about existed for me. I figured I would never be in a ‘real’ relationship and I was okay with that.

Then the plan that had always been in motion, took a turn that would change my outlook on love forever. Seeing the love my parents had for each other when they couldn’t be together (more on that in my book), changed everything for me. Losing them 2 months apart, realizing they literally could not live without each other, made me see that true love was real. So, thanks to my Aunt Mari, I put into the universe what I truly wanted. I wanted the kind of love that is all-consuming, heart-breaking, breathless. I wanted someone I could grow old with. Someone with whom I shared history.

After 13 years, the universe brought Robert back to me. At the perfect time when both of us were free to love. And he loves me like no other. He respects me, he receives my love in return, but then showers it back onto me. Enveloping me in blankets of love, kindness, support and caring. This is love without walls. And I am eternally grateful.

 

That One Day When I Questioned God and Found Peace

I often question what I believe about God. Never His existence, but what I truly believe about Him. I cannot answer the “Why does God allow…” or “Where is God when…” questions, but I have them. Theoretically, I know that He created us with the free will to choose our own paths. I know that He is awesome and His ways are above our ways, His thoughts so much deeper than ours.

Herein lies the problem. We try to fit God into our little box of beliefs and thoughts and opinions. We try to make Him think the way we think, behave the way we behave, share our opinions. If God were human, then how could He be God? How could the omniscient maker of the universe be petty and spiteful?  I have to believe that He is a loving deity who desires the best possible life for His creation.

Think of how we love our children, how we would never wish harm on them. If we, as human beings with limited emotions and abilities, can love our tiny creations with such great capacity, imagine the love that God has for us!

When terrible things happen, it is very easy to blame God. Our thinking is finite while His is infinite, divine, absolute. There is no way we can figure out why things happen– if we’re trying to discern the mind of God. It’s impossible. If we can’t read the mind of another human, we surely cannot read His mind. Speculation becomes the rule.

Admittedly, there are times I find myself at odds with God. I am human, after all. In the end, though it may take weeks or months, I find that when I release my truths and open my mind and heart to greater possibilities, I finally know peace. Peace in the fact that I am not always right. Peace in the fact that there may not be an answer to every question. Peace in the fact that there is a Power greater than I. And that peace requires no understanding.